


Photographers R Us  Part 1

by KurtPikachu2001



Category: American Dad!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-07 00:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3154850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KurtPikachu2001/pseuds/KurtPikachu2001
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stan  has hit a slump in his life.  Nothing excites him anymore.  Not even the CIA.  Roger comes to his rescue when he invites Stan to go with him to be a photographer for a conservative political magazine.  When an assignment goes horribly bad, Stan and Roger are sent to Bulgaria where taking pictures is illegal.  One can only guess what happens when there's Roger involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Photographers R Us  Part 1

American Dad!

Fanfic Title:

Photographers R Us 

By Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene:

Roger's Disguise: The Innkeeper from Turkey Bacon

 

Scene 1:

 

It was late in the day in Langley Falls. But not all is well for Stan at the Smith House. Stan is bored with the CIA, and feels he has no more excitement in his life. Stan now just sits in the living room and channel surfs. Stan is watching Investigative Discovery.

Stan: This will hold my attention. Always enjoyed this criminal justice shows. Even though Oprah is responsible for channels like this....

TV: Up next on Homicide Hunters with Sgt. Joe Kenda....

Stan: Hmmmmm. Joe Kenda usually attracts my attention. Like his style..... (in a mocking child's voice): When I gwow up, I wanna be a homicide detective just like Joe Kenda. (Back in normal voice) (beep) Can't even make myself laugh, anymore. 

Joe Kenda: We have a black widow killer here who poisoned her cop husband who was one day away from retirement. All because she was thinking he was keeping her from going to Boca Raton....

Stan (sadly changes the channel): Mehhhh, guess I'm not in the mood......(sigh) Even THAT don't excite me anymore. 

As Stan continues to channel surf, he sees the same shows and movies over and over again. Even commercials Francine walks into the living room.

TV: Introducing, Empire Floors.....

Stan: Damn! (changes channel)

Then a Rosland Capital commercial with William Devaine

TV: Hi, I'm William Devaine....

Stan: Grrrr! Should've stayed dead in 24! (changes channel)

The TV turns to Comedy Central.

TV: Tonight on Comedy Central, we got Broad City! And then Drunk History. After that, 24 hours of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore shown back to back!

Stan: HEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

Francine: Dinner's ready! 

Stan: What's the use? This must be how teenage slackers feel like.

Francine: For the past week or so, you've been plopping yourself on the couch and did nothing but channel surfed.

Stan: You could be right. So bored with the CIA. It doesn't turn me on like it used to. Even the missions have gone sour.

Francine: Why don't you start by going somewhere else when you come home? Like your study. Or help me in the kitchen!

Stan: What Goes Up, Must Come Down, as Blood Sweat and Tears once said. Like my career at the CIA. And worst yet, your idea of my helping you in the kitchen! Look at this, Francine. Even television doesn't offer an escape. CMT is showing movies from the 1980's and 1990's. Since when does Ghostbusters, Twister, Speed, and Rocky belong on a country music channel? I've passed Cartoon Network so many times and all I see is The Amazing World of Gumball or Teen Titans.....

Francine: Thought Adventure Time was their most popular show? Come to think of it. TV is losing viewers to the internet......

Stan: I love the CIA, but I feel like I've hit a slump.

Francine: Maybe you can read the bible again. 

Stan: Want to be like Stella and get my Groove back! If only there was some way......

Francine and Stan then hear Roger pull up in the driveway. Roger's car sounds like it's rattling. 

 

Scene 2:

After turning off his car, Roger runs out of his car and calls out. Steve, Klaus and Hayley enter the living room as they hear Roger.

Roger: AUNT CLAM!!!! AUNT CLAM!!!!

Steve: It's Roger! There's always excitement whereever he's concerned!

Hayley: Yes, Dad. Maybe he's your ticket to get some fun back in your life.

Stan: Still feeling like my best years are behind me....

Francine: Who the (beep) is Aunt Clam?

Steve: He's been watching Las Vegas Hillbillies.

Stan: That steaming pile of shit of a movie with Ferlin Husky?

Steve: That's the one.

Hayley: Wonder what he's up to this time.

Roger: Got some fantastic news!

Both Klaus and Stan team up to insult Roger. 

Stan: You married Charlie Manson!

Klaus: You have a malignant brain tumor and you have six months to live?

Stan: You got raped by Bill Cosby!

Klaus: You have rectal cancer!

Stan: Seriously, Klaus? Is cancer funny to you, sicko?

Roger (scoffs): You wish there, Klaus you dick! First (looking morbid) some bad news.....

Francine: What's the bad news?

Roger (sobbing): Uncle Woodrow died! 

After 40 seconds of grief, Roger's sobbing turns into happiness.

Hayley: Is this for real?

Roger: Then I inherited a million dollars from his estate and now I'm going to Vegas and going to bang and (beep) Jayne Mansfield.

Hayley: Cut to the chase and tell us what it really is.

Roger: Fine! You guys never fell for my hilarious B-Movie references. 

Getting out a backpack, Roger takes out a camera.

Steve: That camera looks old fashioned, why not just get an iPHONE?

Roger: I am the new tabloid photographer for the Weekly Standard!

Stan (gasps in excitement): Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! That's like my favorite magazine EVER! (jumping up and down) Can I join? Can I join? Can I join?

Roger hands Stan a second camera.

Francine: All right, Stan! Think you found an emotional outlet! 

Stan: Emotional outlet? Nah! Think I found some excitement! This is exactly what I need to get back on track and on the road again! No more Cartoon Network reruns!

Roger: Cartoon Network? (laughs) Boy you really off your rocker! What do you say we start some political scandals? Against Democrats!

Stan: Sounds like a competition to me! You're ON!

Roger and Stan run off and get into Roger's car. Then they go to take pictures for the Weekly Standard.

Francine (sighs): Was hoping he'd stick around for a while. It's only the second act and Stan found some kind of quest to find himself already.

Hayley: It is like him to jump at the chance. To go off to further the Conservative Republican Agenda!

Klaus: The libreal bitch is back! Guess Stan's not the only one who.....

Hayley: Go to hell, Klaus!

Klaus: Awwwwww.

 

Scene 3:

 

Stan and Roger were at the Weekly Standard building. Stan and Roger were in their Editor's office awaiting for their first assigment.

Roger: Want to know what would be fun? How about we use fake names? How about you be Mortimer James? 

Stan: Going to expose yourself to the world, want to relive that? Put me through that shit, again! Don't think so! We're going to be our usual normal selves! Want to make a good impression on these people who write for my favorite magazine!

Roger: I know! Let's use TV show character names like Jim Carrey in Cable Guy! I'll be Chip Douglas!

Stan: We'll do nothing of the kind! We need a make a good impression for the Republican party!

Roger (disgustedly): All right! Moving on! Wonder who our boss is going to be?

Stan: Someone patriotic we can hope!

The editor of the Weekly Standard is a Japanese Guy. 

Roger: Better put on the subtitles.

Stan looks at Roger as he presses a button and get subtitles and the Editor spoke to them in Japanese from far away.

Editor: (speaking Japanese) 

Stan (looks at his boss): That's who our boss is? A Japanese guy?

Roger: Maybe he loves America!

The Editor was still far away slowly apporaching his desk, and Stan mocks him behind his back.

Stan: Damn! Those orientals are taking over the country! What is he going to do? He'll probably be like this.. (in mocking oriental accent) I want to buy Weekry Standard and whorle Repubrican Poll-Tee!

Roger: Here he comes, this is going to be so funny! (snickers)

Editor: (speaking Japanese and sits down at this desk) 

Roger: Is this going to be like Goldmember? If it is, what a bad time to forget my Foxy Cleopatra outfit.

The subtitles say, "Welcome to the Weekly Standard, Yes."

Stan and Roger both bow to him.

Roger: Pleased to meet you, chopsticks! My name is Jack Meoff! 

Stan (embarrased sigh): My name is Stan Smith. I'm a CIA agent, and a HUGE fan of your magazine!

Editor: (speaking Japanese) 

The subtitles say, "What brings you here to work for us".

Stan: Hit a wall in my life and want some excitement.

Editor: (speaking Japanese and offers Stan and Roger food)

The subtitles say, "Please have some dung....." But the rest of the words were blocked.

Stan: WHAT?!?!?!

Roger: That's not what he's saying, he's saying, (unblocked the words) 'please have some dungeness crab'. 

Stan: Awww, ha ha ha ha ha ha! That scared me for a minute!

Editor: (speaking Japanese)

The subtitles say, "Your assignment is a happy one. You will both sneak into....."

The letters were blocked and it looked like it said, "Your Ass Is A Happy One". Stan screamed in fear. 

Roger: I'm on this! (unblocks the letters): It says, :Your assignment is a happy one"

Then the Editor decides to speak English.

Editor: Know what? Why don't I just speak English!

Stan: You're in America. You ought to! You've seen those bumper stickers that suggest that!

Editor: You will both sneak into the Red Roof in. Barney Frank is there sleeping with a prostitute! You will both go into the hotel room, and get a picture of it for our magazine! 

Roger: We get to degrade Barney Frank!

Stan: He's a democrat! How cool is this job! Putting wimpy whiny ass PC librals in their place! If we do this right, nobody will want to vote democrat in 2016! 

Editor: If you succeed, we'll have you take pictures of Dick Morris next!

Stan: You got your man, Domo Arigoto! 

Editor: That's offensive to our people! Not all Japanese say that! Damn that band Styx! They disgrace Japan! Here's a fair warning....If you fail....

Roger: Don't worry, we'll bet your $100 we'll torch his ass very bad! 

Roger and Stan were about to walk out of the room. Then Stan says something in Japanese to the editor.

Stan: By the way, (speaking Japanese)

The subtitles Stan was saying said, "In America we have really huge rods......I wish!" Then Stan and Roger set out of their first tabloid article.

 

Scene 4:

 

At the scene of the Red Roof In. Barney Frank is in a hotel room with a black prostitute named Desiree. Stan and Roger are outside waiting to make their movie. Stan and Roger watched with binoculours. 

Stan: Hmmm. Barney Frank with a prostitute? Democrats have sex drives that just won't quit.

Roger: They have Bill Clinton to thank for that!

Stan: She's a black one too!

Roger: Democrats sure love their minorities! So much so they'd (beep) one. They all go batshit crazy on the news when one gets shot by a cop. 

Stan: Quiet Roger! Want to make myself look good for the Weekly Standard and set a good example for the GOP! We must catch this filthy peace monger in the act! 

Barney Frank (cracking up): Aww, Desiree! You are a blast, girl! Can you believe we ran away from the Pentagon so we can party?

Desiree: Sho' glad I talked you into that! 

Stan: He's with a prostitute named Desiree?

Roger: My gosh! She went down bad these past 20 years!

Stan: What are you talking about? You knew her? The prostitute?

Roger: Well, yeah. More like the R&B singer from 1994. I was her manager. . She sang that stupid, "You Gotta Be Fast, You Gotta Be Tough You Gotta be Stronger!"

Stan: Uh, hated that awful song. You're thinking of Des'ree! 

Roger: Ohh, THAT'S it. (laughs) Keep getting that name mixed up.

Stan: Too bad nobody sang that song to Kurt Cobain back then!

Roger: No shit there! Let's watch what's going on.

Barney Frank: Let's turn on the TV!

Desiree: Hope there's a porno on!

The TV turns on and it was the Disney Channel showing Sofia The First.

Stan (laughing): This'll really give him a bad rep. He's watching Sofia the First! Damn, what are they trying to do to little girls these days with this princess shit?

Roger: Ha! You sounded like Hayley just now!

Stan: Oh, CRAP! (slaps himself in the face) Must concentrate! 

Desiree: Let's forget TV! 

Barney Frank: Agreed! Who needs porn when you can do the real thing!

Desiree: That's what I'm talkin' about! 

Barney Frank (imitates train conduction): All aboard! Next stop! Vibrating bed! 

Desiree (laughing): I love it when you imitate a conductor! Do a real train!

Barney Frank: All right! Choo! Choo! Choo! Choo! 

Desiree (joins in) Choo Choo Choo Choo Choo!

Then Desiree sets up some cocaine on the night stand.

Roger: We'll break in when they least suspect it. Like Cedric the Entertainer in Intolerable Cruelty. On my count.....one....two.....

Stan: What are they doing? A Marion Barry thing in there?

Barney Frank: What are you doing there?

Desiree: Let's do some cocaine!

Barney Frank: Uhhh, no. I don't think so....

Desiree: What's tha mattah? Chicken????

Barney Frank than snorts the cocaine, and Stan and Roger break in with a camcorder and a camera.

Roger: THREEE!!!!

Desiree and Barney Frank: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! 

Roger (running around with a camera): Gonna nail yo' ass! Gonna nail yo' ass! Gonna nail yo' ass! Gonna nail yo' ass! 

Stan: Miami Vice! Freeze! Oops! Wrong concept out of context! (points to Barney Frank) Gotcha loser democrat! I'm going to do character assassination on you!

Barney Frank: Who are you?

Stan: We're from the Weekly Standard! (flapping his arms and talks in a high pitched voice) Greatest magazine in the world! 

Roger: We nailed your ass, good! We're going to put an article in our magazine about this!

Stan: Your fellow Americans are going to laugh at you! Right now, you brought great shame and scandal to your own party! 

Roger and Stan run around and take pictures of Barney Frank and Desiree in the hotel room

 

Scene 5:

 

Stan and Roger were back at the Weekly Standard building. They were watching a home video DVD of themselves breaking into the hotel room to terrorize Barney Frank and Desiree. The chairman in chief was there to lambaste them.

Chairman (talking gibberish): This isn't how we do thing at the Weekly Standard.

Stan: We did everything to the exact point. 

Chairman (talking gibberish): You were not supposed to break in and take pictures like that. 

Roger: Sheesh, he talks like Crazy Dave from Plants vs Zombies.

Chairman (talking gibberish): What kind of conservative magazine do you take us for?

Stan (begging): I need this! I'm at a crossroads in my life. And I'm not talking Bones Thugs and Harmony.

Chairman (talking gibberish): We are a political magazine. Not a Hollywood one. Perhaps you can go work for OK! Magazine! They accept that stuff you did there!

Roger: Just let me say this......it's all his fault! He put me up to it! 

Stan (raising his hand to Roger): Put the blame on me!

Chairman (talking gibberish): The blame is on both of you. You are both fired from our magazine. You both are going to be banished!

Roger: Oh, guess we got off easy that doesn't sound so........(jumps into the air and his eyeballs pop out)..........BANISHED?!?!?!?!

Stan: To where? Not Saudi Arabia. Because I've been there, done that.

Chairman (talking gibberish): Bulgaria!

Stan: Bulgaria? What if we don't want to go?

Chairman (talking gibberish): Have to go anyway! 

Then two security guards drag Stan and Roger off the premises and both are forced into a jet headed to Bulgaria.

 

Scene 6:

Song: The Orwells The Righteous One plays.

The jet plane lands in Bulgaria. Stan and Roger walk around. 

Stan: Why were we banned to here I wonder?

Roger: Your guess is as good as mine.

Stan: If it weren't for your Intolerable Cruelity technique we'd still at the Weekly Standard. Embarrassing Democrats being in silly sitautions.

They are stopped by a tour guide. The song ends.

Tour Guide: Hello, outsiders. Welcome to our country. It's a democracy only we have two strict laws.

Stan: You can count on me for that one! I am AWESOME at following laws.

Tour Guides: You cannot take pictures, and you cannot tell jokes about African American celebrities!

Stan: You won't have to worry about law breakers with us. I'm a man of the law myself!

Tour Guide: Good. Please let us take you on a tour.

The Tour Guide takes Stan and Roger around the city on a bus. Roger starts to take pictures around the city. Then Roger takes a pictures of an interracial couple!

Roger: Interracial couple at 4:00!!!! (clicks camera 100 times) 

Stan: Roger! What the (beep)! Didn't you hear what he said?

Roger: Want these pictures for my Facebook as proof Ive seen an interacial couple in a different country! 

Tour Guide: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! You both broke our law! Call the Police! (blows whistle)

When the whistle is blown a bunch of soliders surround Stan and Roger.

Soliders: HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP! 

Stan: Dammit Roger! First the Weekly Standard, now THIS?

Roger: Take it easy Stan maybe they'll go easy on us. Thought it was a joke.

Solider: Our laws and country are not a joke. What did these degenerates do?

Tour Guide: They took pictures of our city! And a interacial couple! 

Roger: Just wanted to put them on Facebook and show off to my friends!

Solider: Shut up! For taking pictures in Bulgaria! You are both arrested! Now fall in!

Roger cries as he and Stan are being lead away by the soliders. Later on, Stan and Roger were at a Courthouse and they were both found guilty and sentence to be shot.

Judge: The Bulgarian court here finds you both guilty and you are both sentenced to by shot at sunrise!

The baliffs take Stan and Roger to jail.

Stan: You can't do this to me! You cant do this to me! I'm CIA! I'm CIA I'm CIA!

As time went on, Stan and Roger being arrested in Bulgaria makes International Headlines. FOX News, CNN, Headline News, and CNBC were all doing the report of Stan Smith. Everyone from Shepard Smith, Nancy Grace, and Don Imus were doing news reports. 

Italian Newsanchor: (speaking Italian) Stan Smith (speaking Italian)

French Newsanchor: (speaking French) Stan Smith (speaking French)

German Newsanchor: (speaking German) Stan Smith (speaking German)

Hasidic Jewish Newsanchor: (speaking Hebrew) Stan Smith (speaking Hebrew)

Arabian Newsanchor: (speaking Arabic) American Infidel Stan Smith (speaking Arabic)

All the news in all seven continents all talk about Stan Smith. An African News Anchor tells the news of Stan Smith arrested in Bulgaria by drums. Even Inside Edition talks about it.

Deborah Norville: Tonight, American CIA Agent Stan Smith and his friend are both arrested in Bulgaria for taking pictures. We have the story tonight on Stan Smith Digest!

Back in Langley Falls, Francine, Hayley, Klaus and Steve were watching the whole thing on TV.

Francine: OH NO! What'll we do?!!?!?!?

Hayley, Steve, and Klaus laugh at Stan being arrested on international news.

Francine: KIDS! STOP THAT! This isn't funny!


End file.
